


Once Is Never

by jesuisherve



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Boyfriends, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, M/M, Philosophy, dumb boyfriends, krayger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 22:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1405150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuisherve/pseuds/jesuisherve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Krieger has some anxiety over his relationship with Ray. He considers the importance of weight and lightness in a philosophical sense. This fic fits in pre-season five, place it where you will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Is Never

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" and it was the inspiration and influence on this fic. just for fun.

Even the most insubstantial of things carry weight; words, emotions, the briefest touch of another person can weigh a man down. The philosopher Parmenides believed that lightness—the obvious lack of weight— was positive, and weight was negative. Yet one must ask themselves, is that necessarily true? It isn’t weight in the physical sense of the word, it was the concept of weightiness itself; the idea that being tied to things, people for example, could weigh someone down so much that they’d eventually drown in the churning waters of their life. Compelling as that opinion can be, Doctor Algernop Krieger was not a man who considered ‘weight’ to be negative. One needs weight to be anchored and to not become lost in lightness. Krieger had often heard a German saying: “ _Einmal ist keinmal_ ”, which roughly translated to English, reads “ _once is never”_. The way Krieger had come to understand the phrase was that if an event occurred only a single time, it was unremarkable. It was a belief he applied to many aspects of his life. If he could not recreate a result of an experiment, then the finding was unremarkable. Only if a conclusion was reached multiple times could it be considered a valid piece of data. Krieger was of this opinion when it came to the people in his life as well. A woman at the bar telling him he has gorgeous eyes is of no consequence unless they encounter each other again, maybe at the same bar or maybe elsewhere, and she makes some sort of advancement once more.

_Einmal ist keinmal._

This saying allows for a life lived in lightness. If once is never, then it permits one to continually say “next”. What’s the next big thing, who’s the next person spending the night, what’s the next diversion? Weight is needed to anchor; but lightness is needed to float, to stay above the water. Krieger believed he had found a balance with weight and lightness. He had reconciled what he believed to be the Apollonian (reason, structure, discipline) and Dionysian (pleasure, sensuality, gluttony) aspects of living. Humans, of course, are bound to err, and he did occasionally overindulge himself, but Krieger figured it was a work in progress. He was learning, and if he overdid it on either part, the result was the same. There would be consequences. The rule of “once is never” remained true.

Some people carried more weight than others. Malory Archer was someone whose whole being carried weight. She had a presence that was almost catastrophic. Krieger held her in high esteem, but he was also intimidated by her. Cheryl carried little weight. She was lightness. They had a short-lived romantic interlude, if it could even be called that. Once is never. _Einmal ist keinmal_. Cheryl was inconsequential. Sure, it was disappointing in the moment that their relationship ended but he shook it off quickly.

 _Next_.

Krieger drifted. He had enough weight to remain where he wanted to, or where he was needed, but he was light enough that he could drift away. Next, next, next. Solid connections were rare for him. He had some obligation to Malory; it was more that he stayed out of necessity. After his father’s death and being taken from the compound as a child, he had nowhere else to go. Who else would provide him with the means to do his work? Who else would tolerate his _strangeness_?

Ray. Agent Ray Q. Gillette. He was a man who Krieger hoped would be the exception to once is never. “ _Einmal ist keinmal,”_ Krieger muttered to himself sullenly. Ray carried the most weight of anyone he knew. A glance from Ray had equal effect as a slap from Malory.  “Once is never” was not always a straightforward rule, and they are called ‘one-night stands’ for a reason. Sex was a singular event. As soon as one of them leaves the bedroom, the record is wiped. Sex can occur over and over but remain light. It’s emotions, not the act of sex, that have weight and Krieger knew that words and a man’s touch are things that carry weight, too.

 

* * *

 

The word was impactful. _Boyfriend._ It had so many connotations. Krieger liked it. It was an incredibly specific word. In German, ‘ _Freund’_ could mean boyfriend or friend. It was a contextual word. _Er ist mien Freund._ But in English, boyfriend was unmistakable. Portuguese was the same. _‘Namorado’._ But Krieger liked ‘boyfriend’ best.

When Ray agreed to be his boyfriend, Krieger held his breath. Once is never. He wanted to hear it again and again from Ray. It was confirmation; it was the positive conclusion of a hypothesis, it was a truth. Once is never, but if it repeats then it is a remarkable event. Boyfriend was a word that had weight, and it was good. It was another case of Parmenides’ theory being wrong. Weight could be positive just like lightness could be negative. If Ray was ever swept away by lightness, weightlessness, Krieger wasn’t sure how he would cope.

 

* * *

 

Krieger often sought reassurance. Ray did not know where his insecurities stemmed from since the scientist seemed confident in everything else.  It was some inner process that Krieger was working through and Ray tried to respect it by keeping distance. He didn’t ask about it. If Krieger wanted to talk it over, he would bring it up. At least, Ray hoped he would. They both struggled with communication. Part of it was technical. It had never occurred to Ray that Krieger’s first language wasn’t English until Cyril mentioned it one day. Krieger had no trace of an accent, but German was his native language, Portuguese was his second and English was his third. They had a conversation one day about the nuances of English. The German scientist explained his trouble with the difference between using ‘must’ and ‘have’.

“ _Must_ is an internal thing,” Krieger said emphatically, waving a pencil in the air. He had written the two words in big letters on a piece of paper. “If you _must_ do something, it is an obligation that you _feel,_ ” he wrote ‘feel’ and ‘should’ beneath ‘must’ on the paper, “It’s like you _should_ do it, I _must_ call my grandmother.” He tapped the paper. “But _have_ is an external force. You _have_ to go to work. You _have_ to follow laws. It’s more concrete than _must_.”

“I never thought about it,” Ray mused. No wonder Krieger struggled with the figurative parts of English. Ray knew the difference between _must_ and _have_ but probably would not have been able to explain it if asked.

That was the technical part of their lack of communication. The other part was they didn’t talk. Ray knew that it was important but he didn’t know how to bring it up. He wanted to ask Krieger what he was struggling with, but he didn’t want to cross a boundary or sound rude. “Why are you so goddamn insecure?” is not a good conversation starter.

 

* * *

 

Krieger felt that Parmenides hadn’t given enough thought to physical weight. Not the literal amount of pounds a person had in their body, but the weight of their existence. Ray’s weight against his own body was important to Krieger. The lightness felt when Ray moved away was certainly not positive. Perhaps the physical lightness of Ray’s absence translated to conceptual weightiness, which according to Parmenides was negative. But, that did not explain why the physical weight brought positive emotions, and why in the theory emotions were considered weight, and weight was negative. Krieger thought that Parmenides should have been more specific in his writings. Lightness and weight cannot be both positive and negative.

Ray was worried about him. Krieger knew this but it registered only dimly in his mind. People didn’t worry about him, or at least they hadn’t before. This was a single occurrence, once is never.  

“What’s going on with you?”

When Ray finally gave voice to his concerns, Krieger stopped everything he was doing. They were at Ray’s place again. It was a Friday evening and Ray was cooking supper. Krieger had been drawing up specs for a new project while sitting cross-legged on the floor in the sitting room between the couch and coffee table. He stretched, cracked his back, and looked at Ray.

“What do you mean?”

Ray was leaning on the doorway that led from the sitting room to the dining room. “I mean, like, you’ve been acting _weirder than usual_ since we’ve been official.”

Krieger scratched his beard. “Official... oh, official boyfriends.”

“Yeah.” Ray rolled his eyes. “And I wanna know what’s going on.”

The German shrugged. He couldn’t explain everything, not without sounding crazy, because he was pretty sure that Ray hadn’t read a lot of Greek philosophy. What could he say? That he was afraid of losing him, that he lived life by the rule ‘once is never’, that he was convinced that if he didn’t affirm their relationship regularly that it would be an unremarkable blip in his life? An unremarkable event that would actually be very remarkable to him, an event that he didn’t want to be a _mere event_? Krieger wanted it to be an ongoing experience.

“Have you ever heard the German phrase _‘Einmal ist keinmal’_?” Krieger asked. He studied Ray intently, filing away each detail he noticed in his mind. Ray’s hair was slightly messy (he must have run his hands through it), his sleeves were rolled up because he had been cooking, his jaw was set so he was committed to having this conversation, and he was determined and _committed_. That carried weight. Ray was investing himself in the moment; this was not going to be a onetime occurrence.

“You’re a... a fucking dork,” Ray said with a smile after Krieger had explained the ‘once is never’ rule. “You think way too much.”

Krieger felt his cheeks flushing red. “What do you mean?”

Ray shook his head. “That’s basically a fancy way of saying ‘YOLO’. God _damn_.” He was laughing. Krieger knew that he wasn’t laughing _at_ him. He still felt foolish, but he was smiling too.

The blond held out a hand. Krieger jumped up and crossed the room to take it. Ray’s hand was warm, it had weight. Ray kissed him and Krieger’s head felt light. Weight and lightness. Positive and negative. Krieger still thought that Parmenides was full of shit, but it didn’t matter. Parmenides was dead, he lived his one life, but his writings still carried weight. _Einmal ist keinmal_. Krieger kissed Ray back. Once is never, maybe it wasn’t a steadfast rule. Then he kissed Ray again. He didn’t want to take too many chances.


End file.
